Anam Cara Fasgadh would today like to introduce you to one of our charity partners. Held In Our Hearts (formerly Sands Lothians) has been dedicated to supporting bereaved families for 40 years. Their counselling support has been a lifeline for so many families and we are delighted to welcome their CEO Nicola Welsh to our blog.
Nicola Welsh lives in Linlithgow, Scotland with her husband and two sons. She first became involved with the charity in 2011 and in January 2020 left a career in teaching to become their CEO.
Nicola shares, “I am incredibly fortunate to hold such a privileged position and there is not a day I am not grateful for the opportunity. A gift from my precious son Theo who died in 2009 at just 3 weeks old.”
Nicola goes on to openly share about her personal experience of loss ~ “Theo, my second son, was diagnosed with a condition called exomphalos at my 13-week scan. I knew he would need care and may be in the hospital for a long time, but I did not think he would die. He received the best care at the Edinburgh Children’s Hospital but after a trip to the theatre we were told he would not survive very long as his intestines were dying. There are simply no words to describe the following 26 hours. Knowing he would die and finally having to switch off his machines and hold him as he took his last breath. Only another bereaved parent will understand the agony and heartache. You can read more about my beautiful son in this blog we kept at the time. https://babywelshupdate.blogspot.com/2009/01/”
Nicola and her sons with a photo of their brother Theo.
Nicola goes on to say, “I suffered a further two miscarriages that year and was truly broken. I felt very alone and couldn’t find anyone who really understood how much I was struggling. I had another son Oscar in 2011 and this is when I decided I needed to do more to support other parents. I established a support group in the hospital and within the community and this allowed me to feedback how families were finding their care. This ‘system’ is still in place now and allows parents a voice and we have made many changes in care through these meetings within NHS Lothian. The parents’ voice is always at the heart of our discussions. I now Chair the multi-agency pregnancy and infant loss support group within NHS Lothian which is a real privilege.”
Nicola shares, “The charity was called Sands Lothians up until January 2020 when we renamed to Held In Our Hearts. Our new name feels more inclusive of all loss and says so much more about who we are. We are an Edinburgh based baby loss charity providing counselling and support to families whose baby has died. Most of our staff are bereaved themselves, so we understand the impact of baby loss and can empathise with the pain and shock families are feeling. We are a team of 9 and I am incredibly lucky to work with such inspiring and compassionate people. They use their own experience of loss to help others. We have 4 counsellors whose support is free and open-ended. This is unique in Scotland for baby loss. We also have befriending support 5 days a week face to face. We pride ourselves on this quality of support and have many wonderful testimonials from families often describing us as a lifeline and a light at a dark time.”
Nicola concludes by sharing ~ “We have recently expanded our counselling to support families in Fife and Forth Valley and are collaborating with Sands to make sure all families in Scotland receive the best bereavement support. During the pandemic, we are continuing to support parents via zoom, and this is proving successful although we are all missing face to face contact. This is where real quality relationships are built.
My advice to bereaved parents would be to reach out and find the right supports. There are many charities who care and can hold your hand at this time. Meeting someone else bereaved validates those intense feelings which makes you feel less alone and I have built strong friendships for life through the charity. These friends understand milestones and anniversaries and know what to say and do. I would guide families to find a befriender and share your thoughts and feelings. Counselling can help when grief becomes ‘stuck’. This is a regular hour once a week you can dedicate to your baby and this can allow families to survive those first challenging months if they feel they are not managing with other general help. More information can be found on our website https://heldinourhearts.org.uk/. Another important aspect of loss is trying to build traditions to remember your little one. I find families who acknowledge their loss and can bake a cake on birthdays/anniversaries, share stories and photos, write to their baby, talk about their baby or remember their son or daughter on special occasions, live life with their baby by their side. Many families try to ‘move on’ and want to try and keep feelings down as they are scared to bring things up but I find that over time this can become suffocating for parents and they often reach out when it is ‘spilling out’ and their mental health has sometimes been affected. Others who have walked before can help share their ways of remembering their baby.
Remember you are never alone
xx”